Mastering the Mundane: ADHD-Proofing the Everyday w/Amy Marie Hann
This week I’m joined by Amy Marie Hann, better known online as The Activated ADHD Mama. Amy’s an ADHD coach, community leader, and author who specializes in helping ADHD moms wrangle the boring, repetitive tasks that tend to bury us, things like dishes, meal planning, and remembering to call in prescription refills.
In our conversation, we talk about why traditional productivity advice often doesn’t work for ADHD brains and why these mundane tasks can create so much stress and shame. We dig into some of Amy’s strategies that helps people build realistic systems to make those things easier and how starting with just three daily tasks can create stability when your brain constantly craves novelty. We talk about capacity, executive function burnout, and how to reframe self-care and rest as functional tools instead of guilt trips.
YouTube: https://tinyurl.com/y835cnrk
William Curb: All right, well, it's so great to have you here with us today. And tell me a little bit about yourself and what you do. Sure.
Amy Marie Hann: Sure! Okay, I'm Amy Marie Hann, I help moms with ADHD manage their home and family life. So it's really the boring things, you know, the things that we struggle with or interest in our brains that for many of us, it's the kind of realm of domesticity is not fun. And we really struggle, especially with the mundane things, the repetitive tasks, the boring tasks of life that in really a lot of the things that I teach also apply to men as well. But kind of my heart and focus is the content I create is focused on moms, but a lot of it is really applicable that we can talk about kind of the strategies are applicable to men as well.
Especially because I think for women, I focus on women, I think there's an extra level of shame as well, because there's so much of just the traditional gender roles where there's this expectation that things are going to be easier and there's an extra level of shame at start. So I started kind of figuring this out for myself. And then that kind of led into me creating a coaching community where I help moms with these things and let's talk about book and that is really my focus is the boring things for moms with ADHD.
William Curb: Yeah, because your book is titled Master The Mundane. And that's definitely something that is hard for us is the it feels just so like, I was doing the dishes this morning and being like, I don't really want to do this, but it does need to get done because, and I'm like, we kind of put it off a few days. So maybe I'm going to have to do another load after this afternoon to make sure that we're like caught up and I can make dinner and not have to be like scrounging for plates and stuff.
Amy Marie Hann: Exactly. It's the repetitive tasks. And what happens is, you know, there's so much shame people think like, well, I just should just be able to do this instead of recognizing like, it's okay that it's hard, like being once you're kind of can be honest that like this is really hard for me, you're able to give yourself a lot more compassion and then get creative of like, how do I, you know, make myself do these things?
So it's not impossible. But for most of us, if you don't have that perspective of grace and giving yourself like understanding that like, there's a reason it's not because most people go to that place of like, I'm a bad mom or I'm just a mess or I'm, you know, there's all these things that we do internally, but when you can kind of break that and understand like, there's a reason that the mundane tasks are, if you have an interest in your brain, your brain's always going to want to go to the novel tasks.
And so a lot of times, what, you know, our brains do is we're always in, especially because executive functioning, so it's really at the heart of it, it's, this is all executive functioning that like executive functioning, you know, prioritization, time management, but like prioritization, if we struggle with knowing how many realistic or how many things we should be able to do. And then we had this unrealistic list because of our executive functioning challenges. And then we struggled with prioritization, which picking what's urgent.
And so what happens is then your brain is going to go rogue and do the thing that's the most fun and the most interesting, which is almost always the least essential or like necessary tasks, because the necessary like mundane tasks are the ones we don't want to do. So I try to help folks get good at the mundane tasks. And so they're less like getting going rogue and doing all like the random like, gotta paint the bedroom because that seems interesting in novel, when in fact, it's not really going to help you like feed your family dinner tonight.
William Curb: Yeah, because this morning I was like looking like, I need to go to the grocery store again. I just went, how is this, and it's amazing how that in my head, I'm like, how is this happening again and again and again. And even though it's been years that I've been doing this, it's still my brain wants to be like, no, you do a task and it's done.
Amy Marie Hann: Exactly. Yeah, we want that. And we have to kind of get creative about how do we create that for ourselves so that we do have that kind of sense of completion. And we're each a little bit different of like what that feels like. But that and there's so many things like that when I talk to HD families and there's when we get it out loud of like, what is life really look like? And it's like, there's so many things that are so common where it's like, I'm going to the grocery store three or four times a week, because I never get all the things I need to get. And so then they're feel embarrassed, meaning that a lot of people say, I know I'm wasting time, I know I'm wasting money, I know I'm wasting mental energy. But it's like all the other strategies you've learned don't really work.
So like kind of stepping back. But it's really hard if you're kind of all of life feels like that kind of the chaos, the basic things that everyday life like the laundry and the dishes and the getting meals for everyone and like just having clean clothes to wear like that kind of stuff. We're not talking about the like, mirth, the Stuart level, like are the baseboards clean and is you know, like just the basic stuff. If all that stuff feels very chaotic, it just adds so much more stress to your daily life. And it makes it even harder to like have clarity to make wise decisions and regulate your emotions and support your kids and all of that.
William Curb: Yeah, you want to be have this done so that you can do all the stuff you want to do. Because it's given the house is a mess and there's just everything going on. Like that is also like a trigger for making our ADHD worse. I am completely overlooking this mess and not thinking about what I need to do for it. It is creating this like low level of stress that maybe escalates into a high level of stress. And yeah, then especially with what you're talking about with that like that shame piece where you're like, the house is a mess because I haven't been able to keep up with things. And then, you know, my kids want to have a play date, but can't have another family come in here.
Amy Marie Hann: Hhm, that's a big one too. People being embarrassed to have people over. That's super common in so but and honestly, I think it's so common for everyone with ADHD that like, there's these things that people on the outside don't see like the struggles, the struggles that like really impact people and people like, oh, I'm just I'm doing okay. But then when you get into like, what is your home life feel like? What is it? You know, what do you feel like when you're at home and but as I've worked with thousands of women over the years, it's like these things are so common that so many people deal with and there's so much shame about it.
So the master of the day in the book, it came out, I have a course in community. And I have been adamant that like I created the course that the community people don't think they need it, but it's so important just having a place where you could like, share these things. It's not just learning, but like being able to like, share and realize that like, you're not the only one is so helpful to because if you stay with the shame, it's really hard to like hack it, you know, to find what is actually going to work for you.
William Curb: Yeah, I've definitely found when I've been in ADHD groups in the past, and some will like bring up some issue that they're dealing with their idea, I'm like, you can do something about that. Holy smokes. I just kind of considered that what life is. I didn't think about the fact that yeah, there are things to do about this and me sharing has done that for other people where they're like, oh, you can do that? Great!
Amy Marie Hann: And also, I think too, if you think about executive functioning, I think the thing is that I help a lot of, I say, I help moms, parents, their home and family, because let's say most moms, when I talk to people like that's what they know they need help with. But it's all interrelated because it's like when you're kind of maxed out in your capacity, it impacts everything else. So it impacts your ability to regulate your emotions, which is like one of the biggest ones like, how do I regulate my emotions?
Well, it's like if your life is so like a lot of people use the spoon example, they think about like if you're executive functioning, if you're, you know, have these unrealistic expectations of yourself of how you're doing life, and then you're kind of running on empty kind of arms thing strategically about how you're using your executive functioning, it's gonna, you're gonna get to a point where you, the end of the day at five o'clock, where you want to hide in your room and you can't deal with the clutter and you can't deal with the noise and you can't deal with your kids and you can't deal with the big emotions and you're like, I don't even know what's we're doing. It's like you get to that point where it's just like your brain is done.
And it's like, and then that gets so much harder once you have kids because it's like maybe when you were 25 and you felt overwhelmed and you overextended yourself at work and you took on a project that you, you know, whatever you like said, yes, yes, yes. And then it's like you hit your wall and then you could go hide in your bedroom and you could order a door dash and like that was okay. But then you're trying to raise neurodivergent kids who are themselves like dysregulated and hangry and are reliant on you to like feed them and you know where their soccer sucks are and like, you can't do that anymore. And so it gets a lot more complicated. You have to figure out a new strategy for how you do life.
William Curb: And I think that's why we see so many late diagnosed women is because they have been managing so well beforehand and then they have this, I haven't thought of this especially like during the pandemic where it's like, oh yeah, suddenly having people home 24 seven has made it so that what was manageable before is now just a little maybe not a little bit, but is more and I just, I can't cope with this and it's, you know, it has this cascading effect.
Amy Marie Hann: Absolutely. Those windows all in time are huge for me. I'm like, I totally, I can't, for me, even how it was hard to recognize that I tried to even going into the pandemic. I was completely overextended and I didn't, I didn't realize it. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, which was, you know, very kind of kind of ADHD unicorn in the mid 80s when I was five. My sister was diagnosed first. So my story is a little bit unique because when I hit my ADHD wall, I was on medicine.
I was and I thought I was coping, but then I realized like I was, I was not, there was all these kind of side things I was struggling with on the side that I didn't kind of realize were rooted in my ADHD struggles because I had been just trying to do life like everyone else was doing it. I didn't realize that I needed to like design my life another way. I didn't know I was like allowed to do that, that I could kind of, you know, adjustment expectations and how I spent my time and energy and all the things.
And so yes, I totally hit my wall and I had zero executive, all the things I said, you know, wanting to hide in my room at five p.m. not really deal with the noise and the clutter and like all those things like I was totally there, but I was had been in therapy, I was exercising and I was on medicine. And so it was like, I think a lot of people think that's part of it, but the lifestyle, like how you're really designing your life is a huge, huge part of it. I didn't know was allowed. And so that's kind of what I do is like help people design the life.
If any of you, you know, dig into the literature, it's like everything says kind of the three prong approach for kids is the best thing. Medicine, behavior strategies, you know, education, like understanding their brain. And so I had the first two things, but I didn't really understand, especially as an adult, like the behavior piece.
William Curb: Yeah, it is one of those things that feels like it should have a lot more, well, I should say, often the way I when I like see it online, it's that people choose one place to focus and they're like, that's the one that we do. And it's important to do all of them. So you like, yeah, I very pro medication, but it's like, yeah, pills don't teach skills. And if you don't have those skills, you know, like when I first, I didn't get diagnosed until my 20s.
And what I tell people is like, yeah, when I first got on medication, I got really good at commenting on Reddit. That's not particularly what I wanted. But it was I was like, Oh, yeah, I can do this all night. And I'm like, that's great. Super. But that's still I'm still not doing the things I
Amy Marie Hann: need to get a urea want to go. Well, and also I just tell people like, I think without medicine is really hard to learn the skills. Like I don't even like therapy, like I don't know how I could have like show up in therapy or like go deep and really understanding my ADHD and having kind of self awareness of being able I am combined type. So I'm like very physically hyperactive, inmanly hyperactive.
So yeah, 100% in medicine. Like, and I know a lot of people just think it and as I talked to moms, too, I had this comment in a day on my Instagram and someone was like, Well, I made it this far. Like, what's the point? And like, getting a diagnosis, I'm like, there, it's like everything, everything's the point that like, because it's not just like a label, because I think people just think, Oh, that's my personality type. Like, Oh, I guess I'm just messy year. I'm just I'm just disorganized and like everyone should just adjust instead of like, there's some education, like an accept self acceptance and self awareness.
That's a huge important piece of it. But there's also like, you can, if you understand ADHD and you understand the the ways that you can structure your life that are going to help you thrive, there's you can, it doesn't have to like hold you back and impact you and ruin your relationships and your finances and all the things that it can't work can keep you stagnant if you don't do that work.
William Curb: And often the way that we're managing when we don't have the diagnosis is through these. I'm very rarely late and I do that mostly through anxiety, which is not a great coping mechanism. And so how like having learned skills of, you know, being using my calendar more and having alarms and stuff. I'm like, Oh, I can just live a less anxious life and still get to places on time.
Amy Marie Hann: That's definitely worth it. You're not relying on the anxiety, you're relying on tools and strategies. For me, it was, I was very like the perfectionistic, like in that, I mean, though I had medicine, but it was like, I had medicine, but I also instead of having tools and skills, you know, it's like the three things. It's like the medicine, the self awareness, and like skills and tools.
Like I wasn't using skills and tools. I didn't have a huge depth of self awareness in terms of how ADHD was impacting like my relationships and my struggles. Like I needed to grow the education piece, but then the skills and tools like I was leading on, like coping, I was leading on perfectionism, anxiety, because I was like overthinking and over analyzing everything. And I was really underperforming in a lot of areas, which I didn't realize because I was putting so much energy and like just doing life that I was like, there was this all this energy towards my gifts and my skills and the things that I really do uniquely well, because I was so focused on like covering up and hiding in like the things that were my struggles. And also my struggles were still holding me back at least, you know, I was still like the chaos and over committing, overextending. I was definitely way more stressed than I needed to be.
William Curb: The over committing is one of the huge ones I always see where I'm just like, oh yeah, I can do that. And then it's like, why did you say yes to that again? It's not even the thing you really want to do.
Amy Marie Hann: Part of that self awareness is like cluing into that. Like I think I there are so many things I just was living from like a, I should do it. This is the way you're supposed to do it. Instead of like leading on the skills of like, okay, this understanding my need for autonomy and like understanding things that are really healthy and good for HD brains, that I didn't have that self awareness to even like think, do I want to do this? Do I not? I'm just supposed to do this. I should do this. So I need to. So it took time to really understand my capacity.
William Curb: So what are some of the tools that you're like kind of getting people to explore here to kind of like find this capacity and find these ways to, you know, not be quite so held back by their ADHD?
Amy Marie Hann: So I've created kind of a framework to kind of to lead people through, you know, people want a quick, a quick fix. I mean, if there's one kind of overarching strategy, it's, it's just this idea of intentionally limiting executive functioning and having a really clear ongoing plan of my priorities. So that starts with its six to seven. So kind of six to seven boring tasks. So giving yourself permission, understanding that the boring tasks are boring and they're mundane, we're able to do some of them. It's going to take intentionality for us to be strategic in the hack, like how to figure those out. So I'm going to focus on these, these specific tasks. So it's six to seven boring tasks a day.
And you kind of work up to that. So you start with a daily three. So you start with just three daily tasks that you're focused on that are like the core essential tasks. And we're trying to do those three every day. If we do those three every day, then we're, you know, not getting in a place where we're like, you talked about with the dishes, we're like, why didn't do these yesterday? So now today I need to do it again, it's going to feel more stressful.
So we're kind of just staying on top of like the daily chaos. And then in time, you kind of focus on adding the next kind of step is like self-care and getting really clear on like what is going to help you the most to function. And then the next step is adding two weekly tasks, then one monthly task. And so you kind of pull it out, it kind of builds out, you're going from like figuring out the daily chaos to then kind of getting the weekly chaos under control, the ongoing weekly things, and then the monthly things.
Those things don't change much, you know, maybe, maybe a few times a year, I'll tweak my lists. But so you have a really clear plan of like these are the essential things. So you're spending less energy thinking about what's a priority, you have a really clear plan of what's a priority. So it's so it's giving yourself time to like design this life that it takes, you know, some self-reflection. But it's giving yourself permission to like focus on what matters most to you and is most essential to you. And then letting a lot of other things go.
William Curb: Could you give me some examples of those different levels of tasks so I can get a little bit concrete sense?
Amy Marie Hann: So my daily tasks, so it's funny, I still have to look at my list. So my daily tasks are three things that I try to do. And the important part is not trying to do everything at once. It's giving yourself room to like go through the thing. So my daily tasks are two, I do one load of laundry. So it's not always closed, but I try to like in the morning I kind of see like are the laundry baskets full? Do I need to wash the sheets? Do I need to wash the towels? So I like wash something, wash it and dry it.
And then it all goes in, I have this big basket. So I fold once a week, but so I kind of like moving the laundry along. I once a day clean the sink like dishes, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, clean sink, clean counter. So it's kind of like the kitchen is tidy once a day. I'm not, my standard is not that it stays that way all day, but like once a day it's like this looks good. I'm happy. And then, and then we also use a lot of paper plates, but that's what it's like. I figured out like this I can maintain. I can't do it.
I can't keep it that way all the time. And then the third is kind of have a plan for breakfast, lunch and dinner. So usually like I'm making breakfast for the kids or helping them or you get your Cheerios whatever. Do you need me to pack a lunch? What am I going to eat for lunch? Oh, I have something for lunch. What's for dinner? Do I have what we need for dinner? So it's, so at least for like that day, I'm like, okay, I have everything we need. I know what's for dinner tonight. So I'm not like thinking, you know, so it's like, if I can just, I have a plan for those couple of three things that's usually kind of like in the morning while everyone's eating breakfast and drinking my tea. That's kind of my daily three. So I kind of encourage people to focus first on getting good at that, figuring out what the kind of daily thing is.
And then you kind of move on. And then the weekly tasks are part, I mean, a big part of it is kind of narrowing down your weekly tasks. So I encourage you to have 14 weekly tasks and then 21 monthly tasks. So what happens, I found, and I did this for a long time, is like so many monthly things, I wanted it to be a weekly thing, like feeling like, because, but then when you kind of put it all out, out there, you're like, that was a lot of things to happen in any one week. So for example, would be the car washing the car. There was a season where I would try, it made sense for us to like try to go to the car wash once a week.
In this current season of life, I have three busy kids, my kids, my oldest is in high school, my other two elementary school. I just don't have capacity to do that. And my car is kind of gross, but it's once a month. I can go through the car wash. And so when I said one thing, one monthly task a day, but I have 21 things.
So I'm assuming not every day like there's a buffer, especially for women, it's soon like there's going to be one week, the week, the couple days like leading up your period, the first couple days of your cycle, your energy is going to dip. Okay. So we're going to plan for that. So the goal is at the end of the month, I've kind of worked through the things, but like, so the car wash, that's on my monthly list. So once a month, I'm going to go through the car wash and clean out the car.
It's not going to be perfect, but it's like good enough for me. So part of it is this exercise of like narrowing down and simplifying like the basics instead of the alternative is what we usually do is, and I did forever is I'd come up with this like crazy like Martha Stewart level, like Google chatgpt I want to clean my house, give me a schedule and it would be like 10 things a day that you would need to do to have the perfectly clean house that I don't, I can't do that. And so I'm not just talking about cleaning.
And so within these tasks, it's also like one of them. I think it's important for you to identify, it needs to be big enough that it feels, because you have to kind of right size it for you that like it feels like, OK, I did that, but like med checks, like calling for like MedRefills is like one of my things because I absolutely hate doing that. So it's like calling for MedRefills, you know, wash the dogs, you know, I can clean instead of cleaning. I don't clean out the fridge or every week. I clean out the refrigerator once a month.
So like things like that going to Costco. So it's important for you to kind of like narrow down like the core tasks. Like on Tuesday for a long time, on Tuesday, two weekly tasks were like wash towels and clean the bathroom. And so I gave myself freedom in that because sometimes clean the bathroom would look like I'd have energy and be like, oh, I'm going to scrub the tile. And sometimes that looked like, OK, I'm going to take five minutes and like wipe down the counters and spray the mirrors. So I think it is important that you figure out like the important part is like narrowing down what is actually the core tasks that are most important to you.
Like what does it feel like? So for me, if I wipe down the counters, that level of cleaning the bathroom, if I walk in my bathroom on any given day, it's good enough for me. It's not perfect. But like if some random person is dropped by, I'm not like embarrassed. It's a disaster, you know? So it's not about just cleaning the house. It's also like the I kind of think about the ongoing tasks of like home and family and identifying what core things.
William Curb: Do you also include some of like the self care tasks in there too? Or is this kind of just that like a separate bucket that we're looking at?
Amy Marie Hann: Yeah. So I have. So here's kind of how it works. I have checklists and it kind of starts the kind of first one is like daily three and kind of like basic self care. Like in the back, I talk about the essentials, sleep, eating, moving. Like we're not getting fancy. We're just like those are like the three core things. And then we kind of move to kind of create a little more structure and rhythm, getting a little more specific. So like and also adding and stimulation. So one of the core things that I found is especially for moms, a lot of people withhold the interesting and stimulating things until they get a handle on the boring things. But what happens is that's not how our brains work. We actually need the stimulation and the fun to actually do the boring things. So in that mindset shift, as it is really important for people.
So I kind of think about it two ways. So in the six to seven, I don't include the self care. I think about the self care as the ways you get to six to seven, because it's what when you start with three, you start with your daily three habits and then focus on kind of identifying those core self care habits that are going to help you the most and getting really clear on those. And then that's when you get to like add the weekly and the monthly because that's going to give you more mental and physical energy.
William Curb: We're saying it's so easy to want to do everything all at once and just completely overload yourself. There's looking at your daily schedule, like I'm going to plan things down to every 15 minutes. I was like, I can't.
Amy Marie Hann: It doesn't work. Yeah, you can't. You're not a robot. So I do in my course, I go more into like time blocking because I do use time blocking, but I kind of teach it in a different way because what happens is most people, they've like, I've tried time blocking because it's like they've gone through and they've taken that whole like that marks the sewer level cleaning, like they've thought of everything that needs to possibly get done. And then how do I figure that and fit that in my life? And instead, I kind of teach it from a way of like, first, let's focus on the basics and then focus on adding things in your life that are really energizing to you that actually, you know, you can fit into your life. And that, honestly, that step takes a lot of time for a lot of women because there's a lot of, you know, the shame or the guilt or but that's what enables you to kind of go on and do more.
William Curb: Yeah. I mean, I think that shame and guilt piece is just such a huge thing to for people to like realize and understand that it that is we have ADHD. Things are going to be hard. And we can't just there's so many times where I'm just like, oh, I should have done this already. And it's like, OK, but I didn't. And let's be beating myself up about it. Hasn't ever worked before. So and I know it's going to work in the future.
Amy Marie Hann: Yes. And people think people tell me all the time, too, is I think, especially even with the weekly tasks, like so much of ADHD that people don't understand is like the resistance is the most important part in terms of like, what's the resistance? Not as much about how long something takes is about how much resistance is there? Because I'm going to have for me, I hate phone calls. Like I struggled with auditory stuff. So like there is so much resistance in like a phone call, whereas like, OK, a 45 minute organizing project might be easier for me to do. So you kind of have to get honest about like what's really hard for you and celebrate doing it, even if you think it's easy. Like if you like it should be easy, that's fast.
Like it's a phone call, but you have to stop beating yourself up and start celebrating doing the thing. Like I did that was it. Like I checked it off, even if I think it should have been easier, who cares? Like I checked it off. So for a lot of people, this system and this is what helped me. I now spend a lot of time doing fun things. I'm more productive than I've ever been.
I've made huge strides in my business, but I had to really learn to allow myself to rest and to do fun things and to make time for my interests. But a lot of people say like they're doing more like they think this stuff, this kind of things, I'm never going to do it. But what happens is normally we procrastinate. And so we waste all this time procrastinating or doing things that aren't important. So we're like, we paint the bathroom or, you know, find some random thing, like the procrastivity that feels productive, but it's not really like the thing that needed to get done.
And so we were like wasted all this time procrastinating instead of like just getting the thing done and then doing fun things. So you find that once you learn to do that, you actually spend a lot more time doing things that are rewarding and energizing. And so it's not like you're spending a ton more time doing boring stuff.
William Curb: Well, and I am thinking of like to this, you were talking about rest and these like procrastination things we do that are not rest, but are like, you know, sitting there scrolling on your phone. It's not really restful, but it feels like, oh, this was my rest time. And I can't get that back. And I'm like, well, I'm still tired and can't do anything right.
Amy Marie Hann: Exactly. And a lot of the things that are kind of the numbing and a lot, especially, I would say, you know, more in a tentative type struggle with this too, of like the paralysis, so kind of being stuck in paralysis or like doing something out of our avoidance, doing something out of avoidance. But it's still, but when you feel like you should, when you're like, I know I should be doing this, even if you're like, even if I'm reading a book out of avoidance, it doesn't feel good because it's like, I'm, you know, I should be doing that thing. I should, you're like the stress is building instead of like, it's a very different relationship with yourself when you're like, OK, I did the boring thing.
And, you know, I'm going to take 15 minutes to do that. And now I don't feel bad if I spend 45 minutes reading this book because I'm like proud of myself as opposed to like, you know, stuck.
William Curb: And it's so important to make the time for the rest too, because it feels it feels like we could be doing other things because we're like, yeah, if I just jammed everything into my calendar and because there are days that that works, that's the thing that I think is the like the biggest poison there is like, there are days where I have just put everything on my calendar and from start to finish, I did everything and it was great at the time. And then I'm dead the next day, but hey, I still got everything done. And I'm like, but at the board bar, I was dead the next day.
Amy Marie Hann: Exactly. That's kind of the burnout. That's a big part of why I talk to people about too. It's like that what happens and especially when you have neurodivergent kids, that's like, yeah, you're dead.
Your kids still need you to help regulate their emotions, even though you're dead tired. So like we can't be going for broke. Like we used to do that and that worked, but like we have to intentionally keep stuff, you know, keep energy in the tank. It's not that basically that same example of like, you know, using it all. And then if I PM having nothing left, we have to learn that like our families, our kids need us not just to like have dinner and take a bath and all that stuff, but like also to be kind and to like have patience for them.
You know, one of my kids really always needs someone like body double for like homework. And so so it's learning to if you step back in that big picture life that because people are like, I have so many more things to do than six to seven things. But what happens is if you're like, OK, I'm going to do these 20 things. You always feel like a failure because it's always hard to get the 20 things done.
But even if you get 15 done and then the next day, you're like negative five, or then the next three days, you're like exhausted and wiped out. It would be so much better if you give yourself permission to like, I'm going to do six to seven things today. I'm going to do six to seven things tomorrow. I'm going to do six to seven things and then you're going to make time for rest. You're going to you're not going to be so depleted.
So so much of it is kind of breaking that depletion cycle. And it means your life by look a lot different than other people that you know. And that's OK.
William Curb: Yeah, well, and often when we're doing that comparison of someone else's life, we're doing, you know, like I'm seeing my internal life, I'm only seeing them for 20 minutes a day and they've got it all put together. And you're like, well, I actually have no idea what their life is like.
Amy Marie Hann: Exactly. You know, but also for me, let's get I tell people that all the time, like they're able to do that. But honestly, so much of it is just learning your capacity. And and you might someone might do this and they're like, OK, I'm going to try this. And you might stay because we have different seasons and we have we don't all have this same.
You know, this is I tell people to this. It also depends on if you have a really boring job. And if you're trying to homeschool and you hate doing it and that is like like training you, you're not going to be able to do six to seven things because that's like that's your boring, your boring tasks. So this process take, you know, sometimes takes time to like learning how to design your life.
But for me, it was recognizing part of the growth was like also recognizing that, like, yes, I get a lot. I probably get have more downtime than maybe some other moms that I don't. I mean, it doesn't matter what she does.
But also I think it a lot done in a short amount of time. So it's like, even as I look as a professional, like, I mean, I'm self employed. So I know not everyone is and everyone has that control. I'm thankful that I do. But I'm like, I can get I can get a lot of work done in four hours. Someone else. So they might get have as much work done in four hours. So like, why do I have to try to do life like them?
If I can get a lot of work done in four hours and then I can rest for an hour or go to the gym for an hour. Like, we're not that like, I don't have to do life like them because instead of trying to like punish myself and like make myself like, I don't need to sit at a desk for four hours just because to like prove something to them.
William Curb: It's one of the funny things of the self employment of like, well, I have weird work hours and also they're not going to be eight hours a day. And nor is it and it's important to realize people that do work eight hours at work eight hours a day usually aren't working eight hours a day. They have all sorts of other things going on during their day that they're not just like sitting there typing the entire time.
Amy Marie Hann: When also understanding my own creative process, like I know I could think myself do that, but I would be more tired. I would not be as creative. My words like it doesn't really matter what anyone else is doing. It matters you identifying your own capacity and what matters to you and what is good enough for you. Yeah.
William Curb: So I was wondering if you had any final thoughts you wanted to leave the audience with.
Amy Marie Hann: If this seems interesting, go check out my book. I have my book How to Master the Medan, How to Manage Your Life Home and Family as a Mom with ADHD. Come find me on Instagram. It's at Amy Marie Heyan. I create a lot of content for moms and I hope this was helpful for where I was listening.
William Curb: Well, thank you so much. I think this was a great conversation.
This Episode's Top Tips
Work on designing your routines for your actual capacity, not your fantasy capacity. Pay attention to your natural energy rhythms and give yourself permission to do less when you’re depleted.
It’s often not about how long a task takes but about how hard it feels. Build self-compassion by celebrating when you complete these high-resistance tasks and noticing the effort you’ve put in.
There is a distinction between rest and numbing, so we need to plan intentional rest that actually restores our energy. ADHD rest is often about lowering stimulation, not eliminating it. Try for something gentle but engaging enough that your brain doesn’t go looking for a dopamine hit elsewhere.