The Myth of Lazy

One of our biggest problems with the label of lazy is that it's a dead end. There's no real cure for lazy. Other than to just try harder. This is one of the reasons that lazy comes up with ADHD, so often. Because this is a disorder where it's often seen like we could just get over it, if we just worked harder.

When I was in school, there were plenty of times I was told that if I just applied myself, I could have done so much more. I could have done so much better.

Let me tell you, this is a great way to internalize the idea that I'm lazy.

And I know that when I'm on, I can get a lot done and I can get it done quickly.

I know I can easily produce high quality work when I'm zoned in, but when I'm not in hyper-focus and completing something isn't coming easy. Well, then it feels like I'm just not working harder. That all I need to do is buckle down and try harder or work longer.

Anything to avoid being lazy.

But rarely has that thinking actually prove to be my path forward.

Again, the problem with lazy is it's a dead end. It keeps us from being curious about what's actually going on, because if we have an easy answer, like we're just being lazy. Well, then we don't need to look for a real solution.

Lazy is insidious in how it damages our self esteem. It gets embedded into our identity. It wasn't that I was acting lazy it's that I am lazy. It's that I'm the kind of person you can't count on because I'm selfish because lazy is a choice.

But I'm not those things. And when I don't get something done, it's usually not because I just chose not to do it. Or if I did choose not to do it, there's probably a reason.

One of the things that we often forget about lazy is that it doesn't feel good. And to be clear here, I'm not talking about when we're relaxing and recovering. What I'm talking about is when we're trapped on the couch, when we feel like we should be doing, but we just can't seem to make ourselves take that next step.

This is not a good feeling. It feels like you're paralyzed and that you have no worth. So the question here is why would I want to be lazy if it doesn't feel good? Why am I doing it?

The words that bubble up from the depths of my self-loathing are that well, lazy is who you are. You just need to try harder, but again, that's just not useful thinking it doesn't address the problem. Let's explore a little, those things in our task lists that we might get lazy about.

We might even think of this as a function of procrastination or perhaps the other way around. That we're putting off work so that we get to be lazy. But instead of labeling this procrastination as lazy, what if we get curious instead, what are some of the reasons that we might actually be putting that task off?

I'm going to drop in Brendan Mahan's wall of awful model here because it's incredibly applicable Because it describes the situation so well. So as a reminder, the wall of awful is this idea that we build up resistance to tasks that we've had real or perceived failure at in the past. That each of these failures, again, real or perceived creates a brick in this wall and that wall makes it harder for us to complete that task. We can also get bricks in our wall from things like doubt, fear worry, shame, guilt, anxiety, or disappointment.

Often these tasks feel like they're tasks. That should be easy, but because of the wall of awful, those tasks are no longer simple.

If I've got tasks that just aren't easy for me to do. But feel like they should be easy - that's where I'm going to layer on the idea of lazy, because if I'm not looking at this through the wall of awful, that means the reason I'm not doing these simple tasks is because I'm lazy.

Often when I'm procrastinating it's because I think I'll feel like doing something more in the future. "Right now I'm tired, but next week I'll feel up to it and I'll be able to get everything done." Procrastination is easy when I think that future me is going to have the motivation and drive to do something.

Of course, future me is hardly ever more prepared than current me is. Unless of course there's a good reason, say I'm operating on just a few hours of sleep then, yes, future me is not only be able to do more, but also be able to do it better.

And I know this might seem a little antithetical to our discussion on laziness, but I think there's a key point here that we often miss. Right now, I'm getting ready to take a couple of days of vacation with my family. Just a quick trip before school starts back up and I'll be back before this even comes out.

One of the things I'm doing as I prepare for this trip is trying to figure out what I can accomplish now, and what has to wait for when I get back. For some reason, whenever I do any kind of traveling, my brain goes into a mode where it wants me to complete all of my current projects.

Of course, this rarely works out.

Right now. I have a fairly good grasp of what I'm going to complete before I leave, which at this point boils down to not much. But what I've realized I have to watch out for is what I think I'll be able to accomplish once I return.

I'm setting myself up for failure because I'm expecting far too much of myself when I returned. my brain tells me that, oh, you'll just be able to do all of these things because then you'll have the time, but it's not factoring in how I'm going to feel.

What I would be asking for myself just isn't realistic. Yet, this is something I do again and again and again. And when I don't meet those unrealistic standards, well I label myself as lazy.

One of our problems is that we can envision ourselves working tirelessly.

We may have even done so in the past when trying to hit a deadline. I know there have been plenty of times where I've completed a massive amount of work when trying to get something done before it was due. Unfortunately, because we can envision the state of focus and work, my brain says, well, why not just do that all the time.

In fact, from now on, you're going to forgo any relaxation time. We will be the ultimate productivity machine. Okay, perhaps that's a bit hyperbolic, but you still get the idea. I think that because I can imagine myself working that hard, I should just be able to do it whenever I want to this , is that hot, cold empathy gap.

My brain, isn't considering how I'm going to feel when I actually start doing that work and because I'm not considering it, it ends up telling me that I'm going to be able to complete far more than a can in reality. This is important because this is how I end up exhausted on the couch and thinking that I'm just being lazy. This is how I end up burning out, because I don't think I deserve to take breaks, _you know, because I'm lazy._

The answer here is that we really need to work on pulling back the facade of the word lazy.

Most of the time when we're being lazy, it's because we've got this need that isn't being met.

Maybe I'm dehydrated. Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep. Maybe I haven't done anything fun recently. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I don't know what I need to do next. Maybe I haven't taken a break today and I just need to go outside and take a walk. Maybe I need to feel like someone is taking care of me. Maybe I need to do something that I just really don't wanna do.

There are so many reasons that I might not be doing something.

And we can think of each of those reasons as a reason that we could be being lazy, each has a different solution. If I'm doing something that I don't want to do. Yeah. I'm probably going to drag my feet and I absolutely will look lazy to the outside observer. Trying harder isn't going to make me suddenly more motivated to complete my taxes.

So if that's the case, I need to change my thinking here.

Fortunately I have a few options for some of these unwanted tasks.

For example in some cases I can just simply acknowledge that he don't want to do them. "Okay. I don't want to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway."

sometimes I just need to be reminded of why I'm doing the task. It's a lot easier to get my laundry done, knowing I'll have clean underwear for tomorrow.

But I can also ask what would make the task easier or what might motivate me to complete the task. While I don't love cleaning, it's a lot easier if there's a podcast I want to listen to while I'm doing it, or maybe I can set up a reward for when I'm finished.

The point here is that we have options beyond try harder.

A really interesting example of laziness I found while researching this episode, is when someone feels like they need to be cared for. Sometimes we will avoid doing things because we know our partner will take care of it for us and them doing that makes us feel like they care about us. Consciously or unconsciously, this is not the best dynamic for any relationship. And while it might lead to us feeling good at the moment, it can certainly lead to resentments and fights down the line.

Which makes it that much more important that we identify what we're doing instead of just labeling it as lazy. Because if we can identify this, then we can take a much healthier option of talking to our partner about how we need to feel cared for.

Another great example is, think about those afternoons where you find yourself pinned to the couch. You're feeling lazy so it's easy to label yourself that way. I mean, in my head, couches and laziness are intimately intertwined. If you're going to be lazy, the couch is the place to do it.

But okay, that doesn't actually help me do anything about it. Often when I find myself like this it's because I haven't been getting good sleep and that right there tells me where I need to put the work in more than ever calling myself lazy ever did.

Or maybe you just need to think about my ultradian rhythms that dictate that I'm going to have an energy dip around 2:00 PM. Because we absolutely have to acknowledge that we're not going to have max energy all day long.

And equally important here is to realize that our feelings often follow our actions. When I'm just laying on the couch. Well, that's what I'm going to feel like doing. If I get up and start doing something, I'm going to get my blood circulating and I'm going to start feeling more active. And I might feel like actually doing something.

And part of the trap of laziness is that sometimes we don't know how to get to that next step. so the trick here is figuring out what are the steps that are going to get me off the couch.

a fun trick I learned from Eric Tivers is to just go small, like real small.

While I might not be able to get myself off the couch all in one, go, I can ask myself, well, can I wiggle my toes? Okay. How about my whole foot? Can I swing my leg over the side of the couch? Can I roll out my neck?

Can I move up to sitting just step by step, quite literally taking the smallest piece at a time.

I also do this when I'm stuck at work as well. Can I turn on my computer? Can I open the document I need to work on? Can I write the title? Okay. Maybe not. Can I really write something that describes what I want to work on?

Can I write some questions that I want to answer today? And just building up the momentum, lets me start it lets me not have to think about what's coming next. Just what do I have to do right now?

Because we can get paralyzed when we're thinking too far ahead.

With ADHD, we tend to be great at looking at the big picture of things, but can have a lot of trouble executing those small steps. From my experience, this comes from not focusing on the micro level of what needs to happen right now.

When I need to go make dinner, I'm thinking about what I need to go cook, but what I really need to focus on first is how I'm getting off that couch. And I know, I know this absolutely sounds like an absurd way to go about things you want to get off the couch. So just stand up is not that hard. Except, It is.

We've all been there and when we can't make ourselves do those small, simple tasks, well, that's when the judgment comes in.

We don't acknowledge that everything I just talked about is executive function and with ADHD we're all about that executive dysfunction. It would be great if I could just do those simple things, but sometimes we can't. labeling ourselves as lazy here, doesn't help because we're not lazy. We just need a little bit more help sometimes. We just need to do things a little bit differently. We can't escape our ADHD. So instead of trying to Bullhead our way through things, we've done over and over again, that we know won't work. We need to try and do those things that will help us work with our ADHD. We need to stop using the word lazy because it fails to explain the reasoning behind why we didn't do something.

What's the point of a label, if it doesn't describe what's actually going on. If it helps, we can think of lazy, more like a symptom. If you're feeling lazy, that's fine. But what's making you feel that way.

The label of lazy can make us feel trapped because there's no cure for lazy, but when we can find the underlying issue that causes lazy, it can free us to actually start moving again.